1、1-01TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate(ThePilot-TheUncutVersion)Scene:CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarethere.Monica:Theresnothingtotell!HesjustsomeguyIworkwith!Joey:Cmon,youregoingoutwiththeguy!TheresgottabesomethingwrongwithhimChandler:AllrightJoey,benice.Sodoeshehaveahump?Ahumpandahairp

2、iece?Phoebe:Wait,doesheeatchalk?(Theyallstare,bemused.)Phoebe:Just,cause,IdontwanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!Monica:Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.Itsjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinnerand-nothavingsex.Chandler:Soundslikeadatetome.TimeLapseChandler:Alright,soImbackinhighschool,Imsta

3、ndinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.All:Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.Chandler:ThenIlookdown,andIrealizetheresaphone.there.Joey:Insteadof.?Chandler:Thatsright.Joey:Neverhadthatdream.Phoebe:No.Chandler:Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.NowIdontknowwhattodo,everybodystartslookingatme.Moni

4、ca:Andtheywerentlookingatyoubefore?!Chandler:Finally,IfigureIdbetteranswerit,anditturnsoutitsmymother,whichisvery-veryweird,because-shenevercallsme!TimeLapse,Rosshasentered.Ross:(mortified)Hi.Joey:Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.Monica:Areyouokay,sweetie?Ross:Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroa

5、t,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck.Chandler:Cookie?Monica:(explainingtotheothers)Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.Joey:Ohh.Monica:(toRoss)Letmegetyousomecoffee.Ross:Thanks.Phoebe:Ooh!Oh!(ShestartstopluckattheairjustinfrontofRoss.)Ross:No,nodont!Stopcleansingmyaura!No,justl

6、eavemyauraalone,okay?Phoebe:Fine!Bemurky!Ross:Illbefine,alright?Really,everyone.Ihopeshellbeveryhappy.Monica:Noyoudont.Ross:NoIdont,tohellwithher,sheleftme!Joey:Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian.Ross:No!Okay?!Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?Shedidntknow,howshouldIknow?Chandler:SometimesIwishIwasalesbi

7、an.(Theyallstareathim.)DidIsaythatoutloud?Ross:Itoldmomanddadlastnight,theyseemedtotakeitprettywell.Monica:Ohreally,sothathystericalphonecallIgotfromawomanatsobbing3:00A.M.,Illneverhavegrandchildren,Illneverhavegrandchildren.waswhat?Awrongnumber?Ross:Sorry.Joey:AlrightRoss,look.Yourefeelingalotofpai

8、nrightnow.Youreangry.Yourehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?(Rossgestureshisconsent.)Joey:Stripjoint!Cmon,youresingle!Havesomehormones!Ross:Idontwanttobesingle,okay?Ijust.Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!(Rachelentersinawetweddingdressandstartstosearchtheroom.)Chandler:AndIjustwantamilliondollars!(He

9、extendshishandhopefully.)Monica:Rachel?!Rachel:OhGodMonicahi!ThankGod!Ijustwenttoyourbuildingandyouwerentthereandthenthisguywithabighammersaidyoumightbehereandyouare,youare!Waitress:CanIgetyousomecoffee?Monica:(pointingatRachel)De-caff.(toAll)Okay,everybody,thisisRachel,anotherLincolnHighsurvivor.(t

10、oRachel)Thisiseverybody,thisisChandler,andPhoebe,andJoey,and-youremembermybrotherRoss?Rachel:Hi,sure!Ross:Hi.(TheygotohugbutRosssumbrellaopens.Hesitsbackdowndefeatedagain.AmomentofsilencefollowsasRachelsitsandtheothersexpecthertoexplain.)Monica:Soyouwannatellusnow,orarewewaitingforfourwetbridesmaids

11、?Rachel:OhGod.well,itstartedaboutahalfhourbeforethewedding.Iwasintheroomwherewewerekeepingallthepresents,andIwaslookingatthisgravyboat.ThisreallygorgeousLamaugegravyboat.Whenallofasudden-(tothewaitressthatbroughthercoffee)SweetnLo?-IrealizedthatIwasmoreturnedonbythisgravyboatthanbyBarry!AndthenIgotr

12、eallyfreakedout,andthatswhenithitme:howmuchBarrylookslikeMr.PotatoHead.Yknow,Imean,Ialwaysknewlookedfamiliar,but.Anyway,Ijusthadtogetoutofthere,andIstartedwonderingWhyamIdoingthis,andwhoamIdoingthisfor?.(toMonica)SoanywayIjustdidntknowwheretogo,andIknowthatyouandIhavekindadriftedapart,butyouretheonl

13、ypersonIknewwholivedhereinthecity.Monica:Whowasntinvitedtothewedding.Rachel:Ooh,Iwaskindahopingthatwouldntbeanissue.Scene:MonicasApartment,everyoneisthereandwatchingaSpanishSoaponTVandaretryingtofigureoutwhatisgoingon.Monica:NowImguessingthatheboughtherthebigpipeorgan,andshesreallynothappyaboutit.Ch

14、andler:(imitatingthecharacters)Tunaoreggsalad?Decide!Ross:(inadeepvoice)IllhavewhateverChristineishaving.Rachel:(onphone)Daddy,Ijust.Icantmarryhim!Imsorry.Ijustdontlovehim.Well,itmatterstome!(ThesceneonTVhaschangedtoshowtwowomen,oneisholdingherhair.)Phoebe:IfIletgoofmyhair,myheadwillfalloff.Chandler

15、:(reTV)Ooh,sheshouldnotbewearingthosepants.Joey:Isaypushherdownthestairs.Phoebe,Ross,Chandler,andJoey:Pushherdownthestairs!Pushherdownthestairs!Pushherdownthestairs!(Sheispusheddownthestairsandeveryonecheers.)Rachel:CmonDaddy,listentome!Itslike,itslike,allofmylife,everyonehasalwaystoldme,Youreashoe!

16、Youreashoe,youreashoe,youreashoe!.AndtodayIjuststoppedandIsaid,WhatifIdontwannabeashoe?WhatifIwannabea-apurse,yknow?Ora-orahat!No,ImnotsayingIwantyoutobuymeahat,ImsayingIamaha-Itsametaphor,Daddy!Ross:Youcanseewherehedhavetrouble.Rachel:LookDaddy,itsmylife.WellmaybeIlljuststayherewithMonica.Monica:We

17、ll,IguessweveestablishedwhosstayingherewithMonica.Rachel:Well,maybethatsmydecision.Well,maybeIdontneedyourmoney.Wait!Wait,Isaidmaybe!TimeLapse,Rachelisbreatingintoapaperbag.Monica:Justbreathe,breathe.thatsit.Justtrytothinkofnicecalmthings.Phoebe:(sings)Raindropsonrosesandrabbitsandkittens,(Racheland

18、Monicaturntolookather.)bluebellsandsleighbellsand-somethingwithmittens.Lalalala.somethingandnoodleswithstring.Theseareafew.Rachel:Imallbetternow.Phoebe:(grinsandwalkstothekitchenandsaystoChandlerandJoey.)Ihelped!Monica:Okay,look,thisisprobablyforthebest,yknow?Independence.Takingcontrolofyourlife.The

19、whole,hatthing.Joey:(comfortingher)Andhey,youneedanything,youcanalwayscometoJoey.MeandChandlerliveacrossthehall.Andhesawayalot.Monica:Joey,stophittingonher!Itsherweddingday!Joey:What,liketheresaruleorsomething?(ThedoorbuzzersoundsandChandlergetsit.)Chandler:Pleasedontdothatagain,itsahorriblesound.Pa

20、ul:(overtheintercom)Its,uh,itsPaul.Monica:OhGod,isit6:30?Buzzhimin!Joey:WhosPaul?Ross:PaultheWineGuy,Paul?Monica:Maybe.Joey:Wait.YournotarealdatetonightiswithPaultheWineGuy?Ross:Hefinallyaskedyouout?Monica:Yes!Chandler:Ooh,thisisaDearDiarymoment.Monica:Rach,wait,Icancancel.Rachel:Please,no,go,thatdb

21、efine!Monica:(toRoss)Are,areyouokay?Imean,doyouwantmetostay?Ross:(chokedvoice)Thatdbegood.Monica:(horrified)Really?Ross:(normalvoice)No,goon!ItsPaultheWineGuy!Phoebe:Whatdoesthatmean?Doeshesellit,drinkit,orjustcomplainalot?(Chandlerdoesntknow.)(TheresaknockonthedooranditsPaul.)Monica:Hi,comein!Paul,

22、thisis.(Theyarealllinedupnexttothedoor.).everybody,everybody,thisisPaul.All:Hey!Paul!Hi!TheWineGuy!Hey!Chandler:Imsorry,Ididntcatchyourname.Paul,wasit?Monica:Okay,umm-umm,Illjust-Illberightback,Ijustgottagoah,goah.Ross:Awandering?Monica:Change!Okay,sitdown.(ShowsPaulin)Twoseconds.Phoebe:Ooh,Ijustpul

23、ledoutfoureyelashes.Thatcantbegood.(Monicagoestochange.)Joey:Hey,Paul!Paul:Yeah?Joey:Heresalittletip,shereallylikesitwhenyourubherneckinthesamespotoverandoverandoveragainuntilitstartstogetalittlered.Monica:(yellingfromthebedroom)Shutup,Joey!Ross:SoRachel,whatreyou,uh.whatreyouuptotonight?Rachel:Well

24、,IwaskindasupposedtobeheadedforArubaonmyhoneymoon,sonothing!Ross:Right,yourenotevengettingyourhoneymoon,God.No,no,although,Aruba,thistimeofyear.talkaboutyour-(thinks)-biglizards.Anyway,ifyoudontfeellikebeingalonetonight,JoeyandChandlerarecomingovertohelpmeputtogethermynewfurniture.Chandler:(deadpan)

25、Yes,andwereveryexcitedaboutit.Rachel:Wellactuallythanks,butIthinkImjustgonnahangoutheretonight.Itsbeenkindaalongday.Ross:Okay,sure.Joey:HeyPheebs,youwannahelp?Phoebe:Oh,IwishIcould,butIdontwantto.CommercialBreakScene:TheSubway,Phoebeissingingforchange.Phoebe:(singing)Loveissweetassummershowers,lovei

26、sawondrousworkofart,butyourloveohyourlove,yourlove.islikeagiantpigeon.crappingonmyheart.La-la-la-la-la-(someguygiveshersomechangeandtothatguy)Thankyou.(sings)La-la-la-la.ohhh!Scene:RosssApartment,theguysarethereassemblingfurniture.Ross:(squattingandreadingtheinstructions)Imsupposedtoattachabracketyt

27、hingtothesidethings,usingabunchoftheselittlewormguys.Ihavenobracketything,Iseenowhimguyswhatsoeverand-Icannotfeelmylegs.(JoeyandChandlerarefinishingassemblingthebookcase.)Joey:Imthinkingwevegotabookcasehere.Chandler:Itsabeautifulthing.Joey:(pickingupaleftoverpart)Whatsthis?Chandler:Iwouldhavetosayth

28、atisanL-shapedbracket.Joey:Whichgoeswhere?Chandler:Ihavenoidea.(JoeychecksthatRossisnotlookinganddumpsitinaplant.)Joey:Donewiththebookcase!Chandler:Allfinished!Ross:(clutchingabeercanandsniffing)ThiswasCarolsfavoritebeer.Shealwaysdrankitoutofthecan,Ishouldhaveknown.Joey:Hey-hey-hey-hey,ifyouregonnas

29、tartwiththatstuffwereouttahere.Chandler:Yes,pleasedontspoilallthisfun.Joey:Ross,letmeaskyouaquestion.Shegotthefurniture,thestereo,thegoodTV-whatdidyouget?Ross:Youguys.Chandler:Oh,God.Joey:Yougotscrewed.Chandler:OhmyGod!Scene:ARestaurant,MonicaandPaulareeating.Monica:OhmyGod!Paul:Iknow,Iknow,Imsuchan

30、idiot.IguessIshouldhavecaughtonwhenshestartedgoingtothedentistfourandfivetimesaweek.Imean,howcleancanteethget?Monica:Mybrothersgoingthroughthatrightnow,hessuchamess.Howdidyougetthroughit?Paul:Well,youmighttryaccidentallybreakingsomethingvaluableofhers,sayher-Monica:-leg?Paul:(laughing)Thatsoneway!Me

31、,I-Iwentforthewatch.Monica:Youactuallybrokeherwatch?Wow!TheworstthingIeverdidwas,I-Ishreddedbyboyfriendsfavoritebathtowel.Paul:Ooh,steerclearofyou.Monica:Thatsright.Scene:MonicasApartment,Rachelistalkingonthephoneandpacing.Rachel:Barry,Imsorry.Iamsosorry.IknowyouprobablythinkthatthisisallaboutwhatIs

32、aidtheotherdayaboutyoumakinglovewithyoursockson,butitisnt.itisnt,itsaboutme,andIju-(Shestopstalkinganddialsthephone.)Hi,machinecutmeoffagain.anyway.look,look,IknowthatsomegirlisgoingtobeincrediblyluckytobecomeMrs.BarryFinkel,butitisntme,itsnotme.AndnotthatIhaveanyideawhomeisrightnow,butyoujusthaveto

33、givemeachancetoo.(Themachingcutsheroffagainandsheredials.)Scene:RosssApartment;RossispacingwhileJoeyandChandlerareworkingonsomemorefurniture.Ross:Imdivorced!Imonly26andImdivorced!Joey:Shutup!Chandler:Youmuststop!(Chandlerhitswhatheisworkingonwithahammeranditcollapses.)Ross:Thatonlytookmeanhour.Chand

34、ler:Look,Ross,yougottaunderstand,betweenuswehaventhadarelationshipthathaslastedlongerthanaMento.You,howeverhavehadtheloveofawomanforfouryears.Fouryearsofclosenessandsharingattheendofwhichsherippedyourheartout,andthatiswhywedontdoit!Idontthinkthatwasmypoint!Ross:Youknowwhatthescariestpartis?Whatifthe

35、resonlyonewomanforeverybody,yknow?Imeanwhatifyougetonewoman-andthatsit?Unfortunatelyinmycase,therewasonlyonewoman-forher.Joey:Whatareyoutalkingabout?Onewoman?Thatslikesayingtheresonlyoneflavoroficecreamforyou.Lemmetellyousomething,Ross.Thereslotsofflavorsoutthere.TheresRockyRoad,andCookieDough,andBi

36、ng!CherryVanilla.YoucouldgetemwithJimmies,ornuts,orwhippedcream!Thisisthebestthingthateverhappenedtoyou!Yougotmarried,youwere,like,what,eight?Welcomebacktotheworld!Grabaspoon!Ross:IhonestlydontknowifImhungryorhorny.Chandler:Stayoutofmyfreezer!Scene:ARestaurant,MonicaandPaularestilleating.Paul:Eversi

37、nceshewalkedoutonme,I,uh.Monica:What?What,youwannaspellitoutwithnoodles?Paul:No,its,itsmoreofafifthdatekindarevelation.Monica:Oh,sothereisgonnabeafifthdate?Paul:Isntthere?Monica:Yeah.yeah,Ithinkthereis.-Whatwereyougonnasay?Paul:Well,ever-ev-.eversincesheleftme,um,Ihaventbeenableto,uh,perform.(Monica

38、takesasipofherdrink.).Sexually.Monica:(spittingoutherdrinkinshock)OhGod,ohGod,Iamsorry.Iamsosorry.Paul:Itsokay.Monica:Iknowbeingspitonisprobablynotwhatyouneedrightnow.Um.howlong?Paul:Twoyears.Monica:Wow!Im-Im-Imgladyousmashedherwatch!Paul:Soyoustillthinkyou,um.mightwantthatfifthdate?Monica:(pause).Y

39、eah.Yeah,Ido.Scene:MonicasApartment,RacheliswatchingJoanneLovesChaci.PriestonTV:WearegatheredheretodaytojoinJoanneLouiseCunninghamandCharles,Chachi-Chachi-Chachi,Arcolaintheboundofholymatrimony.Rachel:Oh.see.butJoannelovedChachi!Thatsthedifference!Scene:RosssApartment,theyreallsittingaroundandtalkin

40、g.Ross:(scornful)Grabaspoon.DoyouknowhowlongitsbeensinceIvegrabbedaspoon?DothewordsBilly,dontbeaheromeananythingtoyou?Joey:Greatstory!But,Iuh,Igottago,IgotadatewithAndrea-Angela-Andrea.Ohman,(lookstoChandler)Chandler:Angelasthescreamer,Andreahascats.Joey:Right.Thanks.ItsJune.Imouttahere.(Exits.)Ross

41、:Yknow,heresthething.EvenifIcouldgetittogetherenoughto-toaskawomanout,.whoamIgonnaask?(Hegazesoutofthewindow.)CuttoRachelstaringoutofherwindow.CommercialBreakScene:MonicasApartment,RachelismakingcoffeeforJoeyandChandler.Rachel:Isntthisamazing?Imean,Ihavenevermadecoffeebeforeinmyentirelife.Chandler:T

42、hatisamazing.Joey:Congratulations.Rachel:Yknow,IfigureifIcanmakecoffee,thereisntanythingIcantdo.Chandler:IfcaninvadePoland,thereisntanythingIcantdo.Joey:Listen,whileyoureonaroll,ifyoufeellikeyougottamakelikeaWesternomeletorsomething.(JoeyandChandlertastethecoffee,grimace,andpouritintoaplantpot.)Alth

43、oughactuallyImreallynotthathungry.Monica:(entering,toherself)Ohgood,LennyandSquigyarehere.All:Morning.Goodmorning.Paul:(enteringfromMonicasroom)Morning.Joey:Morning,Paul.Rachel:Hello,Paul.Chandler:Hi,Paul,isit?(MonicaandPaulwalktothedoorandtalkinalowvoicesotheotherscanthear.TheothersmoveMonicastable

44、closertothedoorsothattheycan.)Paul:Thankyou!Thankyousomuch!Monica:Stop!Paul:No,Imtellingyoulastnightwaslikeumm,allmybirthdays,bothgraduations,plusthebarnraisingsceneinWitness.Monica:Welltalklater.Paul:Yeah.(Theykiss)Thankyou.(Exits)Joey:Thatwasntarealdate?!Whatthehelldoyoudoonarealdate?Monica:Shutup

45、,andputmytableback.All:Okayyy!(Theydoso.)Chandler:Allright,kids,Igottagettowork.IfIdontinputthosenumbers,.itdoesntmakemuchofadifference.Rachel:So,like,youguysallhavejobs?Monica:Yeah,weallhavejobs.See,thatshowwebuystuff.Joey:Yeah,Imanactor.Rachel:Wow!WouldIhaveseenyouinanything?Joey:Idoubtit.Mostlyre

46、gionalwork.Monica:Ohwait,wait,unlessyouhappenedtocatchtheRerunsproductionofPinocchio,atthelittletheaterinthepark.Joey:Look,itwasajoballright?Chandler:Look,Gippetto,Imarealliveboy.Joey:Iwillnottakethisabuse.(Walkstothedoorandopensittoleave.)Chandler:Youreright,Imsorry.(Burstintosonganddancesoutofthed

47、oor.)OnceIwasawoodenboy,alittlewoodenboy.Joey:Youshouldbothknow,thathesadeadman.Oh,Chandler?(StartsafterChandler.)Monica:Sohowyoudoingtoday?Didyousleepokay?TalktoBarry?Icantstopsmiling.Rachel:Icanseethat.Youlooklikeyousleptwithahangerinyourmouth.Monica:Iknow,hesjustso,so.DoyourememberyouandTonyDeMar

48、co?Rachel:Oh,yeah.Monica:Well,itslikethat.Withfeelings.Rachel:Ohwow.Areyouintrouble.Monica:Bigtime!Rachel:Wantaweddingdress?Hardlyused.Monica:Ithinkwearegettingalittleaheadofselveshere.Okay.Okay.Iamjustgoingtogetup,gotoworkandnotthinkabouthimallday.OrelseImjustgonnagetupandgotowork.Rachel:Oh,look,wi

49、shmeluck!Monica:Whatfor?Rachel:Imgonnagogetoneofthose(Thinks)jobthings.(Monicaexits.)Scene:Iridium,MonicaisworkingasFrannieenters.Frannie:Hey,Monica!Monica:HeyFrannie,welcomeback!HowwasFlorida?Frannie:Youhadsex,didntyou?Monica:Howdoyoudothat?Frannie:Oh,Ihateyou,ImpushingmyAuntRozthroughParrotJunglea

50、ndyourehavingsex!So?Who?Monica:YouknowPaul?Frannie:PaultheWineGuy?Ohyeah,IknowPaul.Monica:YoumeanyouknowPaullikeIknowPaul?Frannie:Areyoukidding?ItakecreditforPaul.Yknowbeforeme,therewasnosnapinhisturtlefortwoyears.Scene:CentralPerk,everyonebutRachelisthere.Joey:(sittingonthearmofthecouch)Ofcourseitw

51、asaline!Monica:Why?!Why?Why,whywouldanybodydosomethinglikethat?Ross:Iassumewerelookingforananswermoresophisticatedthantogetyouintobed.Monica:Ihatemen!Ihatemen!Phoebe:Ohno,donthate,youdontwanttoputthatoutintotheuniverse.Monica:Isitme?IsitlikeIhavesomesortofbeaconthatonlydogsandmenwithsevereemotionalp

52、roblemscanhear?Phoebe:Allright,cmere,gimmeyourfeet.(Shestartsmassagingthem.)Monica:Ijustthoughthewasnice,yknow?Joey:(burstsoutlaughingagain)Icantbelieveyoudidntknowitwasaline!(MonicapusheshimoffofthesofaasRachelenterswithashoppingbag.)Rachel:Guesswhat?Ross:Yougotajob?Rachel:Areyoukidding?Imtrainedfo

53、rnothing!Iwaslaughedoutoftwelveinterviewstoday.Chandler:Andyetyouresurprisinglyupbeat.Rachel:YouwouldbetooifyoufoundJohnandDavidbootsonsale,fiftypercentoff!Chandler:Oh,howwellyouknowme.Rachel:TheyremynewIdontneedajob,Idontneedmyparents,Ivegotgreatbootsboots!Monica:Howdyoupayforthem?Rachel:Uh,creditc

54、ard.Monica:Andwhopaysforthat?Rachel:Um.my.father.Scene:MonicaandRachels,everyoneissittingaroundthekitchentable.Rachelscreditcardsarespreadoutonthetablealongwithapairofscissors.Rachel:OhGod,comeonyouguys,isthisreallynecessary?Imean,IcanstopcharginganytimeIwant.Monica:Cmon,youcantliveoffyourparentsyou

55、rwholelife.Rachel:Iknowthat.ThatswhyIwasgettingmarried.Phoebe:Giveherabreak,itshardbeingonyourownforthefirsttime.Rachel:Thankyou.Phoebe:Yourewelcome.IrememberwhenIfirstcametothiscity.Iwasfourteen.Mymomhadjustkilledherselfandmystep-dadwasbackinprison,andIgothere,andIdidntknowanybody.AndIendedupliving

56、withthisalbinoguywhowas,like,cleaningwindshieldsoutsideportauthority,andthenhekilledhimself,andthenIfoundaromatherapy.Sobelieveme,Iknowexactlyhowyoufeel.(Pause)Ross:ThewordyourelookingforisAnyway.Monica:Allright,youready?Rachel:No.No,no,Imnotready!HowcanIbeready?Hey,Rach!Youreadytojumpouttheairplane

57、withoutyourparachute?Comeon,Icantdothis!Monica:Youcan,Iknowyoucan!Rachel:Idontthinkso.Ross:Comeon,youmadecoffee!Youcandoanything!(ChandlerslowlytriestohidethenowdeadplantfromthatmorningwhenheandJoeypouredtheircoffeeintoit.)Ross:Cmon,cut.Cut,cut,cut,.All:Cut,cut,cut,cut,cut,cut,cut.(Shecutsoneofthema

58、ndtheycheer.)Rachel:Yknowwhat?Ithinkwecanjustleaveitatthat.Itskindalikeasymbolicgesture.Monica:Rachel!Thatwasalibrarycard!All:Cut,cut,cut,cut,cut,cut,cut.Chandler:(asRacheliscuttinguphercards)Yknow,ifyoulistenclosely,youcanhearathousandretailersscream.(Shefinishescuttingthemupandtheyallcheer.)Monica:Welcometotherealworld!Itsucks.Youregonnaloveit!TimeLapse,RachelandRossarewatchingaTVchannelfinishesitsbroadcast