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Chapter3

ThenextthingIrememberis,wakingupwithafeelingasifIhadhadafrightfulnightmare,andseeingbeforemeaterribleredglare,crossedwiththickblackbars.Iheardvoices,too,speakingwithahollowsound,andasifmuffledbyarushofwindorwater:agitation,uncertainty,andanall-predominatingsenseofterrorconfusedmyfaculties.Erelong,Ibecameawarethatsomeonewashandlingme;liftingmeupandsupportingmeinasittingposture,andthatmoretenderlythanIhadeverbeenraisedorupheldbefore.Irestedmyheadagainstapilloworanarm,andfelteasy.

Infiveminutesmorethecloudofbewildermentdissolved:IknewquitewellthatIwasinmyownbed,andthattheredglarewasthenurseryfire.Itwasnight:acandleburntonthetable;Bessiestoodatthebed-footwithabasininherhand,andagentlemansatinachairnearmypillow,leaningoverme.

Ifeltaninexpressiblerelief,asoothingconvictionofprotectionandsecurity,whenIknewthattherewasastrangerintheroom,anindividualnotbelongingtoGateshead.,andnotrelatedtoMrs.Reed.TurningfromBessie(thoughherpresencewasfarlessobnoxioustomethanthatofAbbot,forinstance,wouldhavebeen),Iscrutinisedthefaceofthegentleman:Iknewhim;itwasMr.Lloyd,anapothecary,sometimescalledinbyMrs.Reedwhentheservantswereailing:forherselfandthechildrensheemployedaphysician.

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“Well,whoamI?”heasked.

Ipronouncedhisname,offeringhimatthesametimemyhand:hetookit,smilingandsaying,“Weshalldoverywellby-and-by.”Thenhelaidmedown,andaddressingBessie,chargedhertobeverycarefulthatIwasnotdisturbedduringthenight.Havinggivensomefurtherdirections,andintimatesthatheshouldcallagainthenextday,hedeparted;tomygrief:Ifeltsoshelteredandbefriendedwhilehesatinthechairnearmypillow;andasheclosedthedoorafterhim,alltheroomdarkenedandmyheartagainsank:inexpressiblesadnessweigheditdown.

“Doyoufeelasifyoushouldsleep,Miss?”askedBessie,rathersoftly.

ScarcelydaredIanswerher;forIfearedthenextsentencemightberough.“Iwilltry.”

“Wouldyouliketodrink,orcouldyoueatanything?”“No,thankyou,Bessie.”

“ThenIthinkIshallgotobed,foritispasttwelveo’clock;butyoumaycallmeifyouwantanythinginthenight.”

Wonderfulcivilitythis!Itemboldenedmetoaskaquestion.

“Bessie,whatisthematterwithme?AmIill?”

“Youfellsick,Isuppose,inthered-roomwithcrying;you’llbebettersoon,nodoubt.”

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Bessiewentintothehousemaid’sapartment,whichwasnear.Iheardhersay-

“Sarah,comeandsleepwithmeinthenursery;Idaren’tformylifebealonewiththatpoorchildto-night:shemightdie;it’ssuchastrangethingsheshouldhavethatfit:Iwonderifshesawanything.Missiswasrathertoohard.”

Sarahcamebackwithher;theybothwenttobed;theywerewhisperingtogetherforhalf-an-hourbeforetheyfellasleep.Icaughtscrapsoftheirconversation,fromwhichIwasableonlytoodistinctlytoinferthemainsubjectdiscussed.

“Somethingpassedher,alldressedinwhite,andvanished”—“Agreatblackdogbehindhim”—“Threeloudrapsonthechamberdoor”—“Alightinthechurchyardjustoverhisgrave,”&c.&c.

Atlastbothslept:thefireandthecandlewentout.Forme,thewatchesofthatlongnightpassedinghastlywakefulness;strainedbydread:suchdreadaschildrenonlycanfeel.

Nosevereorprolongedbodilyillnessfollowedthisincidentofthered-room;itonlygavemynervesashockofwhichIfeelthereverberationtothisday.Yes,Mrs.Reed,toyouIowesomefearfulpangsofmentalsuffering,butIoughttoforgiveyou,foryouknewnotwhatyoudid:whilerendingmyheart-strings,youthoughtyouwereonlyuprootingmybadpropensities.

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Nextday,bynoon,Iwasupanddressed,andsatwrappedinashawlbythenurseryhearth.Ifeltphysicallyweakandbrokendown:butmyworseailmentwasanunutterablewretchednessofmind:awretchednesswhichkeptdrawingfrommesilenttears;nosoonerhadIwipedonesaltdropfrommycheekthananotherfollowed.Yet,Ithought,Ioughttohavebeenhappy,fornoneoftheReedswerethere,theywereallgoneoutinthecarriagewiththeirmama.Abbot,too,wassewinginanotherroom,andBessie,asshemovedhitherandthither,puttingawaytoysandarrangingdrawers,addressedtomeeverynowandthenawordofunwontedkindness.Thisstateofthingsshouldhavebeentomeaparadiseofpeace,accustomedasIwastoalifeofceaselessreprimandandthanklessfagging;but,infact,myrackednerveswerenowinsuchastatethatnocalmcouldsoothe,andnopleasureexcitethemagreeably.

Bessiehadbeendownintothekitchen,andshebroughtupwithheratartonacertainbrightlypaintedchinaplate,whosebirdofparadise,nestlinginawreathofconvolvuliandrosebuds,hadbeenwonttostirinmeamostenthusiasticsenseofadmiration;andwhichplateIhadoftenpetitionedtobeallowedtotakeinmyhandinordertoexamineitmoreclosely,buthadalwayshithertobeendeemedunworthyofsuchaprivilege.Thispreciousvesselwasnowplacedonmyknee,andIwascordiallyinvitedtoeatthecircletofdelicatepastryuponit.Vainfavour!coming,likemostotherfavourslongdeferredandoftenwishedfor,too

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late!Icouldnoteatthetart;andtheplumageofthebird,thetintsoftheflowers,seemedstrangelyfaded:Iputbothplateandtartaway.BessieaskedifIwouldhaveabook:thewordBOOKactedasatransientstimulus,andIbeggedhertofetchGulliver’sTravelsfromthelibrary.ThisbookIhadagainandagainperusedwithdelight.Iconsidereditanarrativeoffacts,anddiscoveredinitaveinofinterestdeeperthanwhatIfoundinfairytales:forastotheelves,havingsoughttheminvainamongfoxgloveleavesandbells,undermushroomsandbeneaththeground-ivymantlingoldwall-nooks,Ihadatlengthmadeupmymindtothesadtruth,thattheywereallgoneoutofEnglandtosomesavagecountrywherethewoodswerewilderandthicker,andthepopulationmorescant;whereas,LilliputandBrobdignagbeing,inmycreed,solidpartsoftheearth’ssurface,IdoubtednotthatImightoneday,bytakingalongvoyage,seewithmyowneyesthelittlefields,houses,andtrees,thediminutivepeople,thetinycows,sheep,andbirdsoftheonerealm;andthecorn-fieldsforest-high,themightymastiffs,themonstercats,thetower-likemenandwomen,oftheother.Yet,whenthischerishedvolumewasnowplacedinmyhand—whenIturnedoveritsleaves,andsoughtinitsmarvellouspicturesthecharmIhad,tillnow,neverfailedtofind—allwaseerieanddreary;thegiantsweregauntgoblins,thepigmiesmalevolentandfearfulimps,Gulliveramostdesolatewandererinmostdreadanddangerousregions.Iclosedthebook,whichIdarednolongerperuse,andputitonthetable,besidetheuntastedtart.

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Bessiehadnowfinisheddustingandtidyingtheroom,andhavingwashedherhands,sheopenedacertainlittledrawer,fullofsplendidshredsofsilkandsatin,andbeganmakinganewbonnetforGeorgiana’sdoll.Meantimeshesang:hersongwas-

“Inthedayswhenwewentgipsying,Alongtimeago.”

Ihadoftenheardthesongbefore,andalwayswithlivelydelight;forBessiehadasweetvoice,—atleast,Ithoughtso.Butnow,thoughhervoicewasstillsweet,Ifoundinitsmelodyanindescribablesadness.Sometimes,preoccupiedwithherwork,shesangtherefrainverylow,verylingeringly;“Alongtimeago”cameoutlikethesaddestcadenceofafuneralhymn.Shepassedintoanotherballad,thistimeareallydolefulone.

“Myfeettheyaresore,andmylimbstheyareweary;Longistheway,andthemountainsarewild;SoonwillthetwilightclosemoonlessanddrearyOverthepathofthepoororphanchild.

“Whydidtheysendmesofarandsolonely,Upwherethemoorsspreadandgreyrocksarepiled?Menarehard-hearted,andkindangelsonlyWatcho’erthestepsofapoororphanchild.

“Yetdistantandsoftthenightbreezeisblowing,Cloudstherearenone,andclearstarsbeammild,God,inHismercy,protectionisshowing,Comfortandhopetothepoororphanchild.

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“Ev’nshouldIfallo’erthebrokenbridgepassing,Orstrayinthemarshes,byfalselightsbeguiled,StillwillmyFather,withpromiseandblessing,TaketoHisbosomthepoororphanchild.

“Thereisathoughtthatforstrengthshouldavailme,Thoughbothofshelterandkindreddespoiled;Heavenisahome,andarestwillnotfailme;Godisafriendtothepoororphanchild.”

“Come,MissJane,don’tcry,”saidBessieasshefinished.Shemightaswellhavesaidtothefire,“don’tburn!”buthowcouldshedivinethemorbidsufferingtowhichIwasaprey?InthecourseofthemorningMr.Lloydcameagain.

“What,alreadyup!”saidhe,asheenteredthenursery.“Well,nurse,howisshe?”

BessieansweredthatIwasdoingverywell.

“Thensheoughttolookmorecheerful.Comehere,

MissJane:yournameisJane,isitnot?”

“Yes,sir,JaneEyre.”

“Well,youhavebeencrying,MissJaneEyre;canyoutellmewhatabout?Haveyouanypain?”

“No,sir.”

“Oh!IdaresaysheiscryingbecauseshecouldnotgooutwithMissisinthecarriage,”interposedBessie.

“Surelynot!why,sheistoooldforsuchpettishness.”

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Ithoughtsotoo;andmyself-esteembeingwoundedbythefalsecharge,Iansweredpromptly,“Inevercriedforsuchathinginmylife:Ihategoingoutinthecarriage.

IcrybecauseIammiserable.”

“Ohfie,Miss!”saidBessie.

Thegoodapothecaryappearedalittlepuzzled.Iwasstandingbeforehim;hefixedhiseyesonmeverysteadily:hiseyesweresmallandgrey;notverybright,butIdaresayIshouldthinkthemshrewdnow:hehadahard-featuredyetgood-naturedlookingface.Having

consideredmeatleisure,hesaid-

“Whatmadeyouillyesterday?”

“Shehadafall,”saidBessie,againputtinginherword.

“Fall!why,thatislikeababyagain!Can’tshemanagetowalkatherage?Shemustbeeightornineyearsold.”

“Iwasknockeddown,”wasthebluntexplanation,jerkedoutofmebyanotherpangofmortifiedpride;“butthatdidnotmakemeill,”Iadded;whileMr.Lloydhelpedhimselftoapinchofsnuff.

Ashewasreturningtheboxtohiswaistcoatpocket,aloudbellrangfortheservants’dinner;heknewwhatitwas.“That’sforyou,nurse,”saidhe;“youcangodown;I’llgiveMissJanealecturetillyoucomeback.”

Bessiewouldratherhavestayed,butshewasobligedtogo,becausepunctualityatmealswasrigidlyenforcedatGatesheadHall.

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“Thefalldidnotmakeyouill;whatdid,then?”pursuedMr.LloydwhenBessiewasgone.

“Iwasshutupinaroomwherethereisaghosttillafterdark.”

IsawMr.Lloydsmileandfrownatthesametime.

“Ghost!What,youareababyafterall!Youareafraidofghosts?”

“OfMr.Reed’sghostIam:hediedinthatroom,andwaslaidoutthere.NeitherBessienoranyoneelsewillgointoitatnight,iftheycanhelpit;anditwascrueltoshutmeupalonewithoutacandle,—socruelthatIthinkIshallneverforgetit.”

“Nonsense!Andisitthatmakesyousomiserable?Areyouafraidnowindaylight?”

“No:butnightwillcomeagainbeforelong:andbesides,—Iamunhappy,—veryunhappy,forotherthings.”

“Whatotherthings?Canyoutellmesomeofthem?”

HowmuchIwishedtoreplyfullytothisquestion!Howdifficultitwastoframeanyanswer!Childrencanfeel,buttheycannotanalysetheirfeelings;andiftheanalysisispartiallyeffectedinthought,theyknownothowtoexpresstheresultoftheprocessinwords.Fearful,however,oflosingthisfirstandonlyopportunityofrelievingmygriefbyimpartingit,I,

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afteradisturbedpause,contrivedtoframeameagre,though,asfarasitwent,trueresponse.

“Foronething,Ihavenofatherormother,brothersorsisters.”

“Youhaveakindauntandcousins.”

AgainIpaused;thenbunglinglyenounced-

“ButJohnReedknockedmedown,andmyauntshutmeupinthered-room.”

Mr.Lloydasecondtimeproducedhissnuff-box.

“Don’tyouthinkGatesheadHallaverybeautifulhouse?”askedhe.“Areyounotverythankfultohavesuchafineplacetoliveat?”

“Itisnotmyhouse,sir;andAbbotsaysIhavelessrighttobeherethanaservant.”

“Pooh!youcan’tbesillyenoughtowishtoleavesuchasplendidplace?”

“IfIhadanywhereelsetogo,Ishouldbegladtoleaveit;butIcannevergetawayfromGatesheadtillIamawoman.”

“Perhapsyoumay—whoknows?Haveyouany

relationsbesidesMrs.Reed?”

“Ithinknot,sir.”

“Nonebelongingtoyourfather?”

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“Idon’tknow.IaskedAuntReedonce,andshesaidpossiblyImighthavesomepoor,lowrelationscalled

Eyre,butsheknewnothingaboutthem.”“Ifyouhadsuch,wouldyouliketogotothem?”

Ireflected.Povertylooksgrimtogrownpeople;stillmoresotochildren:theyhavenotmuchideaofindustrious,working,respectablepoverty;theythinkofthewordonlyasconnectedwithraggedclothes,scantyfood,firelessgrates,rudemanners,anddebasingvices:povertyformewassynonymouswithdegradation.

“No;Ishouldnotliketobelongtopoorpeople,”wasmyreply.

“Noteveniftheywerekindtoyou?”

Ishookmyhead:Icouldnotseehowpoorpeoplehadthemeansofbeingkind;andthentolearntospeaklikethem,toadopttheirmanners,tobeuneducated,togrowuplikeoneofthepoorwomenIsawsometimesnursingtheirchildrenorwashingtheirclothesatthecottagedoorsofthevillageofGateshead:no,Iwasnotheroicenoughtopurchaselibertyatthepriceofcaste.

“Butareyourrelativessoverypoor?Aretheyworkingpeople?”

“Icannottell;Aunt.ReedsaysifIhaveany,theymustbeabeggarlyset:Ishouldnotliketogoabegging.”

“Wouldyouliketogotoschool?”

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AgainIreflected:Iscarcelyknewwhatschoolwas:Bessiesometimesspokeofitasaplacewhereyoungladiessatinthestocks,worebackboards,andwere

expectedtobeexceedinglygenteelandprecise:JohnReedhatedhisschool,andabusedhismaster;butJohnReed’stasteswerenoruleformine,andifBessie’saccountsofschool-discipline(gatheredfromtheyoungladiesofafamilywhereshehadlivedbeforecomingtoGateshead)weresomewhatappalling,herdetailsofcertainaccomplishmentsattainedbythesesameyoungladieswere,Ithought,equallyattractive.Sheboastedofbeautifulpaintingsoflandscapesandflowersbythemexecuted;ofsongstheycouldsingandpiecestheycouldplay,ofpursestheycouldnet,ofFrenchbookstheycouldtranslate;tillmyspiritwasmovedtoemulationasIlistened.Besides,schoolwouldbea

completechange:itimpliedalongjourney,anentireseparationfromGateshead,anentranceintoanewlife.“Ishouldindeedliketogotoschool,”wastheaudibleconclusionofmymusings.“Well,well!whoknowswhatmayhappen?”saidMr.Lloyd,ashegotup.“Thechildoughttohavechangeofairandscene,”headded,speakingtohimself;“nervesnotinagoodstate.”Bessienowreturned;atthesamemomentthecarriagewasheardrollingupthegravel-walk.“Isthatyourmistress,nurse?”askedMr.Lloyd.“IshouldliketospeaktoherbeforeIgo.”

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Bessieinvitedhimtowalkintothebreakfast-room,andledthewayout.IntheinterviewwhichfollowedbetweenhimandMrs.Reed,Ipresume,fromafter-occurrences,thattheapothecaryventuredtorecommendmybeingsenttoschool;andtherecommendationwasnodoubtreadilyenoughadopted;forasAbbot