例題

AllIknewwasthat,whenIheardayounggirl’svoiceindistress,Ihadtodosomething.ItwasontheflighttoIcelandwithadearfriendwithcancer.HeaskedmetoaccompanyhimashetravelledtogetsomemedicalscansinEurope.Wewereallsettledinforalongflight,offonanadventuretoahospitalinHollandwhereIwouldsupporthim.

Itwasn’tlongbeforeIheardamanbelittling(貶低)asobbinggirldirectlybehindme.Icouldn'tignorewhatwashappening.Thiswasobviouslyagirlinaverydangeroussituation.Myfrienddidn'thearanyofit,sohehadnoideawhatIwasthinking.Iwaswitnessing,withmyearsonly,aguyverballyabusingagirl,whowascryinguncontrollably:“…fat…retarded（遲鈍的）whatdidIseeinyou?!”Herboyfriendcontinuedtoupsetherwithnoregardforhertears.Hedidn’tcare.Hewascontrollingher,andthiswashisintention.

InoticedthenapkinusedformywatercupandrecogniseditwassomethingIcouldwriteon.IfIcouldgetanotetoherwithouthimseeing,maybethiswouldhelpherunderstandsheneededtorunawayfromhimFAST.Thiswashappeningbehindme,soIthought,Icouldwaituntilhewenttothebathroomandpassedherthenote.Iglancedbehindmeperiodically,andhefinallyleft.Ididn'tknowwhatshelookedlike.Ididn'tknowifoureyesevermet.AllIknewthenwasshenowhadanotefromsomeonewhocared,withmye-mailaddress,askingifshewantedtocontactatotalstrangerwhohadobservedherdesperatesituation.ItwassodangerousthatIcouldn'tevenrisksharingmyphonenumberandtakingachancethatitwouldlandinherboyfriend’shands.Sometimestherearesituationswecannotignore.MydadtaughtmetoneverleaveaplacewishingIhaddoneorsaidsomething.Thatwasgoingthroughmymind.IactuallydidsomethingandIwisheditcouldmakeadifference.Paragraph1:Ididgetaresponsefromthisyounggirl,revealingtherewasnotonlyverbalabusebutphysicalabuseaswell._______________________________________________________________________________________________Paragraph2:Itturnedoutthatmynotehadstartedgettingthegirlonthepathtosavingherself._______________________________________________________________________________________________郵件是英語國家主流的信息溝通方式在英語國家，寫郵件是生活日常。大到和導(dǎo)師交流論文，小到和飯店預(yù)約座位，幾乎都是通過郵件來完成的。在新高考小作文中，郵件也占有重要一席之地。郵件雖然廣泛運(yùn)用于英語國家的生活和工作的方方面面，但在多數(shù)中國學(xué)生的生活經(jīng)驗(yàn)里，郵件只不過是考場上一個(gè)叫李華的人需要寫的應(yīng)用文而已。文化和國情不同，處在非商務(wù)和政務(wù)環(huán)境中的中國學(xué)生的網(wǎng)絡(luò)溝通主要還是用即時(shí)通訊軟件來進(jìn)行的（比如：微信、QQ等）。沒有真實(shí)的生活經(jīng)驗(yàn)依托，學(xué)生對寫郵件的必要性以及郵件文化的理解往往是不夠的，考場上寫起郵件來自然會缺乏郵件該有的規(guī)范性和效率性。故事梗概在一次飛往冰島的航班上，作者“我”陪一位患有癌癥的朋友去做治療。飛機(jī)剛起飛不久，我就聽到后座有一個(gè)年輕女孩在哭泣，她的男友在不顧她的淚水，不斷辱罵她。我感到我不能無視這一幕，于是當(dāng)那個(gè)男人去洗手間時(shí)，我趁機(jī)給那個(gè)女孩遞了一張寫有我的電子郵件地址的紙條，希望她能意識到她需要遠(yuǎn)離這個(gè)男人……主要人物：（主要人物是續(xù)寫的筆墨重點(diǎn)所在）作者“我”和坐在“我”身后的那名女孩次要人物：（次要人物不需要投入太多描寫精力）“我”的朋友和那名女孩的男朋友續(xù)寫思路建議第一段首句：通過郵件得知那名女孩的處境變得更糟糕了。她的男友對她的虐待從口頭暴力進(jìn)一步發(fā)展到肢體上的暴力。（Ididgetaresponsefromthisyounggirl,revealingtherewasnotonlyverbalabusebutphysicalabuseaswell.）一種可行的續(xù)寫思路是：圍繞“我”和那名女孩的郵件通訊往來展開。向讀者展示“我”和這名女孩的郵件溝通交流(emailcorrespondence)。第二段首句：我給女孩的紙條留言起到了作用。她開始了自我拯救。（Itturnedoutthatmynotehadstartedgettingthegirlonthepathtosavingherself.）一種可行的續(xù)寫思路是：經(jīng)過“我”細(xì)致的郵件溝通和疏導(dǎo)，女孩開始覺悟了。她開始了自我拯救，成功脫離了對自己實(shí)施口頭和肢體暴力的男友。學(xué)生寫作中的內(nèi)容編寫共性問題在給學(xué)生進(jìn)行作文面批的過程中，我們發(fā)現(xiàn)不少學(xué)生沒有注意到原文中email這個(gè)關(guān)鍵信息，沒有在續(xù)寫中利用好“郵件溝通”這個(gè)故事編寫抓手。有的學(xué)生的續(xù)寫是：“我”得到了女子的回應(yīng)，在現(xiàn)場（飛機(jī)上）和就和女子以及女子的男友展開了正面對話，三五幾句話就說服了女子主動(dòng)脫離“家暴男”，實(shí)現(xiàn)了自我拯救。顯而易見，分分鐘就實(shí)現(xiàn)讓被家暴（包括：口頭和肢體）的人脫離困境這樣的描寫缺乏必要的真實(shí)性和寫作誠意。當(dāng)然，從出題的角度觀察，續(xù)寫的首段的開頭句是否可以設(shè)置得更為明確是一個(gè)值得討論的問題。有學(xué)生表示他們沒有理解續(xù)寫首段的開頭句“Ididgetaresponsefromthisyounggirl,”中的response是當(dāng)場（飛機(jī)上）還是后續(xù)（下飛機(jī)后）的回應(yīng)。一種更好的出題改進(jìn)方式是給出明確的時(shí)間狀語，比如：Twodayslater,Ididgetaresponsefromthisyounggirl,…這樣做可以明確敘事的時(shí)間線，減少主觀理解的不確定性。Ididgetaresponsefromthisyounggirl,revealingtherewasnotonlyverbalabusebutphysicalabuseaswell.Sheexpressedgratitudeforthenote,sayingitwasabeaconofhopeinaverydarktime.Thecouragetoreachouttome,astranger,highlightedthedesperationanddeterminationtoescapehercurrentsituation.Shesharedthecontinuouscycleofabusesheendured,emphasizinghowmysmallactofkindnesswasthefirsttimesomeoneacknowledgedherpainandofferedawayout.Thisresponsemademerealizetheimpactofinterveninginsituationsthatseembeyondourcontrol,providingaglimmerofhopetothosewhofeelutterlyhelpless.(93words)Itturnedoutthatmynotehadstartedgettingthegirlonthepathtosavingherself.Shefoundthestrengthtoleaveherboyfriendandendtheabusiverelationship.Mynotewasaturningpointforher,enablinghertoseetherewerepeoplewhocaredandthatshewasnotaloneinherstruggle.Throughouremailcorrespondence,Ilearnedofherjourneytowardsrecoveryandself-love.Thisentireexperienceechoedmyfather’swisdom,reinforcingtheprofoundimpactoftakingaction,nomatterhowsmallitmayseem.Itwasareminderthateventhesimplestgesturesofkindnesscanhaveprofoundeffectsonsomeone’slife.(91words)01

寫作策略亮點(diǎn)楊老師寫作策略上的亮點(diǎn)主要有兩個(gè)：第一，他充分利用原文中email這個(gè)關(guān)鍵信息，在續(xù)寫中以“郵件溝通”作為故事編寫的抓手（“Throughouremailcorrespondence”）耐心細(xì)致合理地展開了故事敘述。第二，他在續(xù)寫中充分利用了原文中的重要概念（note、desperatesituation、abuse、boyfriend、father），展現(xiàn)了續(xù)寫和原文較高的融洽度。02

詞匯和表達(dá)積累abeaconofhope希望的燈塔aglimmerofhope一線希望abusiveadj.受虐待的intervene(inasituation)v.干預(yù)beyondone’scontrol不受某人的控制utterlyadv.完全地correspondencen.通信往來echov.回響、重復(fù)、附和（想法或者觀點(diǎn)）reinforcev.加強(qiáng)gestureofkindness善意的姿態(tài)Situation

語境（社會文化）：...spentthefirstweek...tryinghardtokeepheadabovewater.①Oneofthemajorheadachesforherwasfindingherwayinthehugeschoolbuilding...Havingapoorsenseofdirection,Evafounditimpossibletogetaroundinsuchahugebuilding.②Therewasnothingshefearedmorethanhavingtorunawholemile.ToEva,“amile”wasusedtodescribelongdistances.Itwastenmilesfromherhometohergrandfather’s,andthatalwaysseemedlikealongway,eveninacar!角色（Eva）：smart,intelligent,persistentComplicationandResolutionInthispassage,theplotlineandtheemotionlineintertwineandpusheachotherforward.寫前思考：Paragraph1:WhenCoachPittsaid“Nicework!”toheratthefinishline,Evawassurprised.Qs:HowEvafeltabouthercompletionofrunningamile?(HowCoachandotherstudentsreact?)HowEvafeltabouthermindtrick?Paragraph2:Evadecid