讀后續寫講評與寫作思路點撥AMOTHER’SDAYSURPRISE

ThetwinswerefilledwithexcitementastheythoughtofthesurprisetheywereplanningforMother’sDay.HowpleasedandproudMotherwouldbewhentheybroughtherbreakfastinbed.TheyplannedtomakeFrenchtoastandchickenporridge.Theyhadwatchedtheirmotherinthekitchen.Therewasnothingtoit.JennaandJeffknewexactlywhattodo.

Thebigdaycameatlast.Thealarmrangat6a.m.Thepairwentdownthestairsquietlytothekitchen.Theydecidedtoboiltheporridgefirst.TheyputsomericeintoapotofwaterandleftittoboilwhiletheymadetheFrenchtoast.Jeffbroketwoeggsintoaplateandaddedinsomemilk.Jennafoundthebreadandputtwoslicesintotheeggmixture.Next,Jeffturnedonthesecondstoveburnertoheatupthefryingpan.EverythingwasgoingsmoothlyuntilJeffstartedfryingthebread.Thepanwastoohotandthebreadturnedblackwithinseconds.Jennathrewtheburntpieceintothesinkandputintheothersliceofbread.Thistime,sheturneddownthefiresoitcookednicely.

ThenJeffnoticedsteamshootingoutofthepotandthelidstartingtoshake.Thenextminute,theporridgeboiledoverandputoutthefire.Jennapanicked.Thankfully,Jeffstayedcalmandturnedoffthegasquickly.Butthestovewasamessnow.JennatoldJefftocleanitupsotheycouldcontinuetocooktherestoftheporridge.ButJeff’shandtouchedthehotburnerandhegaveacryofpain.Jennamadehimputhishandincoldwater.Thenshecaughtthesmellofburning.Ohdear!Thepieceofbreadinthepanhadturnedblackaswell.文本分析1.Readfortheme（定主題）

本文的主題就是標題了：AMOTHER'SDAYSURPRISE

，

如果還要進一步升華，那就是體現了孩子們對媽媽的愛。2.Readforclues

（找線索）

人物：twins:Jeff,Jenna;fatherandmother

想法：thesurprisetheywereplanningforMother'sDay,brought

herbreakfastinbed.

情感：

Thetwins:

-->excitement,pleasedandproud

-->Jennapanicked.

-->Jeffstayedcalm

-->ButJeff'shandtouchedthehotburnerandhegaveacryofpain.精心策劃信心滿滿實施計劃遭遇失敗調整計劃手忙腳亂Asthetwinslookedaroundthemindisappointment,theirfatherappeared.Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.場景一：根據

fatherappeared

推測下一個場景：father的反應（說什么？做什么）場景二：根據carried

thebreakfast

推測上一個場景：

breakfast

已經做好第一段核心場景：父親幫孩子收拾殘局并且指導/協作做早餐。提示：讀后續寫中如何把繁瑣的動作簡化是一個很重要的技能。3.Readforplot

（構思情節）Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.第二段的場景構思：

場景一：媽媽的反應（surprise）

場景二：孩子們的回應（expressing）--HappyMother’sDay

場景三：感受（feeling:pleased;proud...)考場作文Paragraph1:

Asthetwinslookedaroundthemindisappointment,theirfatherappeared.Thebadsmellslippedintohisnose.HenoticdablackbreadinthepanandacriedJeff.Thetwinscouldhardlycontaintheirsadnesstosob.Thefatherheldtheminstrongandwarmarms.Afterawhile,thetwinscollectedtheirsadnessandfatherhelpedthempreparedthebreakfast.Withtheguidanceoftheirfather,thetwinsfinishedthebreakfast.Theeggwasgolden.Sodeliciouswassmell.Thetwinsweresparklingwithexcitement.Andtheydecidedtowakeuptheirmumupbybreakfast.Paragraph2:Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.Theirmotheropenedtheeyesslowly.Agoodsmellfilledtheroom.Shelookedaroundtheroomandfoundtwofaceswithsmile,whowerecarryingthebreakfast.Tearsandsmilemingledonherface.Howluckyshewasthatshehadtwocutebabies.Shethought.Whensheatethebreakfast,itwassaltbutalsosweet.Andthetwinsburstintolaughter.Laughterwaslingeredintheroom.Tothemom,thebestsurprisewasthelovenotthebreakfast.23

極簡思維就是根據兩個提示句上下各思考一個場景，達到每個段落兩到三個主要場景就行了。越是極簡，越能接近作者的本意。極簡思維：一核兩翼，

即：一個核心場景（情節），兩個銜接場景（情節）原則：

reaction--response途徑：

說一說；動一動；想一想；

笑一笑思考：

怎么解決場景的自然過渡？“Don’tpanic!”hehandedeachoneawettowel,helpingthemcleanthemessquickly.Father說一說，動一動：安慰孩子，幫他們Afterthat,Jeffstammeredouttheirplan,herfaceflushing.Jeff的反應：說一說，感情描寫However,Fatherlaughed,“Soundsgreat!Icanteachyoutocook.”Father的回答Atthis,JennaandJeffalmostjumpedtotheirfeet,joyineyes.Jenna和Jeff的反應Underhiscarefulguidance,itdidn’ttakelongbeforetheFrenchtoastandchickenporridgewereready.串聯孩子和父親的場景：學會了Everythingsettled,Fatherleftthekitchen,promisingtokeeptheirsecret.銜接句Meetingtheirsmilingeyes,Motherfeltconfuseduntiltheypresentedthebreakfastandsaid“HappyMother’sDay”.銜接句：媽媽的反應Mothergavethematighthug,“Unbelievable!Youcancook!It’sthebiggestsurpriseIhavereceived.”Herfacelitupwithhappiness.

媽媽說一說“Theyhaveknownhowtotakecareofothers.”Fathersaidinresponsetoherexcitement,winkingatJennaandJef.爸爸說一說Theycouldn’thelpgiggling.Itwasasecretonlysharedbetweenthem.主題結尾：孩子笑一笑Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.2021年6月浙江高考卷——先分析本文：1.Readfortheme（定主題）

從文中找：

mydadsaids,“Ajob’sabigsteptogrowingup.I’mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold.”

（提示：涉及到父母和孩子的讀后續寫，可以肯定說，

主題一定在父母說的某句話里，這句話一般意味深長）主題是：我長大了。（What）問題是：如何體現我長大了？（How）（答案是：愿意幫助父母解決家里的生計問題，再提升一下：責任和感恩

reponsibilityandgratitude）2.Readforclues

（找線索）開頭兩個句子很重要：

Para1:Aquietman,hedidn'tunderstandmyworldofschoolactivities.

Para2:

Ididn'treallyunderstandhisworldeither：

這兩句說的父子兩人彼此不理解，根據讀后續寫的規則：

最后兩人一定彼此理解了。

本文屬于change類，從負面到正面。同時本文還有一個conflict，即：

Para6:

butIwasn'tinterested.IdecideditwasnotfairthatIhadtocontributemymoney.

這里作者的心理并說明了原因，這是很重要的線索，說明了我不想交錢給爸爸。這個線索如何照應也是需要思考的提示：一篇文章可能還有很多線索，但是我們無須全部照應。建議：過多的線索照應并不是好事，它會讓你的文章邏輯顯得拼湊一樣。我們照應圍繞主題的線索就可以了。Para5:mydadsaid,"Ajob’sabigsteptogrowingup.I’mgladyouwillbecontributingtothehousehold."3.Readforplot

（構思情節）

極簡思維：一核兩翼，

一個核心場景（情節），兩個銜接場景（情節）第一段的構思：核心場景：我把錢交給了父親前后各一個銜接場景：銜接一：父親的反應（喜悅、祝賀）過渡場景：我的不情愿（照應前文線索）銜接二：父親把錢給我，并且讓我隨便花。第二段的構思：核心場景：我長大了！

我理解了父親。

或者

：父親對我說“兒子，你長大了！”銜接一：我的困惑，父親的解釋過渡場景：我的羞愧銜接二：我的感受（點明主題）Paragraph1:

WhenIbroughtmypaycheckhome,itwas$119--mydadwantedtotalktome.“Congratulations!”Asmileplayedonhislips.Heopenedhismouthagainbutclosed(欲言又止).ThatwaswhenIrealizedhewaswaitingforsomethingtohappen.Afterall,itwashardforaquietmantoaskformypaycheck.Butdeepdown,howreluct