1、EnglishJokes（央語笑話）IforgottoshakethebottleMother:Whyareyoujumpingupanddown?Tom:I'vejusttakensomemedicineandIforgottoshakethebottle.媽媽：你為什么不停地跳上跳下的？湯姆：我剛吃完藥，可我忘了先搖動瓶子了。Getthekid.'Abitofadviceforthoseabouttoretire.Ifyouareonly65,nevermovetoaretirementcommunity.Everybodyelseisintheir70s,80s,or90

2、s.Sowhensomethinghastobemoved,liftedorloaded,theyyell,'Getthekid.'這里想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，千萬別進退休社區。因為那里人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，讓小的干吧。”他到底想借什么？Areyouusingyoumowerthisafternoon?Mr.Johnson:Areyouusingyoumowerthisafternoon?Mr.Smith:Yes.Mr.Johnson:Fine.ThencanIborrowyourtennisrack

3、et,sinceyouwon'tbeneedingit?約翰遜先生：今天下午你準備用割草機嗎？史密斯先生：是的。約翰遜先生：太好了。既然您不用網球拍，那我可以借用一下嗎？所有的煙卷都會點著的Allthecigaretteswillbeonfiresoonerorlater.Marywassodisgustedatherhusband'scigarettesmokingthatshecomplainedtohimoneday.'Ihopethatallthecigarettefactorieswillcatchfiresomeday.''Don't

4、worry,dear.Allthecigaretteswillbeonfiresoonerorlater.'Hesaidwithasmile.瑪麗非常討厭丈夫吸煙，一天對他抱怨說：我希望有一天所有卷煙廠都失火。”不用擔心，親愛的，所有的煙卷遲早都會點著的。”他笑著說。Afineweapontokilltime"Doyousingandplaymuch?"ayoungmanaskedtheprettygirlwhowascarelesslythrummingthekeysofthepiano."Onlytokilltime."shereplied.

5、"You'vegotafineweapon,Imustadmit."Ventured大膽提出theyoungman.向主保密Idon'twantHimtoknowI'mhere.'Adistinguishedclergymanandtheeldersfromhiscongregationattendedanout-of-townmeetingthatdidnotfinishuntilratherlate.Theydecidedtohavesomethingtoeatbeforegointhome,butunfortunatelytheonly

6、spotopenwasaseedybar-and-grillwithaquestionablereputation.Afterbeingserved,oneoftheeldersaskedtheclergymantosaygrace.'I'drathernot,',theclergymansaid,'Idon'twantHimtoknowI'mhere.'一位著名牧師和他教區的幾位老人出席城外會議直到天黑才開完會，他們打算在回家前吃點東西。但很不巧只有一家名聲不好的下等酒吧烤菜館開著門。飯后，一位老人要牧師祈禱。我想我是免了，”牧師說。我

7、不想讓主知道我在這里。”否則Otherwisehewouldtrytoborrowitfromme.Tom:Williamhasaskedmeforaloanoffivepounds.ShouldIbedoingrightinlendingittohim?Jack:Certainly.Tom:Andwhy?Jack:Becauseotherwisehewouldtrytoborrowitfromme.湯姆：威廉向我借五英鎊。我該不該借給他？杰克：當然應該了。湯姆：為什么？杰克：否則他就該跟我借了。心不在焉的丈夫Iwasaccompanyingmyhusbandonabusinesstrip.H

8、ecarriedhisportablecomputerwithhim,andtheguardattheairportgateaskedhimtoopenthecase.Itwaslocked,andthemanwaitedpatientlyasmyembarrassedspousestruggledtorememberthecombination.Atlasthesucceeded.'Whyareyousonervous?'Iaskedhim.'Thenumbersarethedateofouranniversary.'myhusbandconfessed.我陪

9、丈夫一起出差，他帶著他的手提式計算機。機場出口處檢查員要他打開包。他耐心的等著我那窘迫的丈夫設法回想起暗鎖的密碼。最后他終于想起來了。你為什么那么緊張呢？"我問他。這密碼是我們結婚紀念日。”他承認道。還是太貴ItisstilltoomuchAnoldladywhowasverydeafandwhothoughteverythingtoodear,wentintoashopandaskedtheshipman:'Howmuchthisstuff?''Sevendollars,Madam,itisverycheap.'Theladysaid,'It

10、istoomuch,giveittomeforfourteen.''Ididnotsayseventeendollars,butseven.''Itisstilltoomuch,'repliedtheoldlady,'giveittomeforfive.'一位耳聾并且總是嫌東西太貴的老太太走進一家商店。她問店員：這東西要多少錢？”比美元，太太，這是很便宜的。”老太太說：太貴了，十四美元差不多。”店員忙說：我沒說十七美元，是七美元。”還是太貴，”老太太說：五美元，我就買啦。”Mom'shere?OneeveningIdrovemyh

11、usband'scartotheshoppingmall.Onmyreturn,Inoticedthathowdustytheoutsideofhiscarwasandcleaneditupabit.WhenIfinallyenteredthehouse,Icalledout.'Thewomanwholovesyouthemostintheworldjustcleanedyourheadlightsandwindshield.'Myhusbandlookedupandsaid,'Mom'shere?'一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來后發現車身沾

12、滿灰塵，于是擦洗了一陣。當我終于走進屋里時大聲喊：世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。”我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：媽媽來了？”誰在打架Whowasfighting?Mother:Freddie,whyisyourfacesored?Freddie:Iwasrunningupthestreettostopafight.Mother:That'saverynicethingtodo.Whowasfighting?Freddie:MeandJackieSmith.媽媽：弗雷迪，你的臉為什么那么紅？弗雷迪：我剛才在大街上跑，為的是阻止一次打架?媽媽：你做的對，誰和誰在打架。弗雷迪：我和杰

13、克史密斯。ItwasoverdueYourfunnystorywastoooverdue.iusedtohearaboutitwheniwasjustamiddleschoolstudent.haveyoueverheardaboutthissentence:"webrotherwhoandwho"?OnemoreP-patientD-doctorP:Doctor,themedicineugavemewasofgreathelp!D:Oh?Howmuchdouhaveatatime?P:None,butmyunclehadthem,nowi'mhisonlyheir

14、繼承人！BestRestaurantTherewerethreerestaurantsonthesameblock.Onedayoneofthemputupasignwhichsaid"TheBestRestaurantintheCity.Thenextday,thelargestrestaurantontheblockputupalargersignwhichsaid"TheBestRestaurantintheWorld."Onthethirdday,thesmallestrestaurantputupasmallsignwhichsaid"TheB

15、estRestaurantonthisBlock."allybabyOncetwohunterswenthuntingintheforest.Oneofthemsuddenlyfelldownbyaccident.Heshowedthewhitesofhiseyesandseemedtohaveceasedbreathing.Theotherhuntersoontookouthismobilephonetocalltheemergencycenterforhelp.Theoperatorsaidcalmly:"First,youshouldmakesurethatheisa

16、lreadydead."Thentheoperatorheardagunshotfromtheotherendofthephoneandnextheheardthehunterasking:"WhatshouldIdonext?"兩個獵人進森林里打獵，其中一個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經死亡。”于是，接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然后聽到那獵人接著問：第二步怎辦MyBabySwallowedaBulletYoungMother:"Doctor,mybabyswal

17、lowdabullet.WhatshallIdo?Doctor:"Don'tpointhimatanybody."年輕的媽媽說：醫生，我孩子吞下一顆子彈，我該怎么辦？”醫生說：不要讓他指著任何人。”愛因斯坦與上帝EinsteinclimbstothetopofMt.SinaitogetcloseenoughtotalktoGod.Lookingup,heaskstheLord."God,whatdoesamillionyearsmeantoyou?"TheLordreplies,"Aminute.""Einstein

18、asks,"Andwhatdoesamilliondollarsmeantoyou?"TheLordreplies,"Apenny."Einsteinasks,"CanIhaveapenny?"TheLordreplies,"Inaminute."愛因斯坦登上西奈山與上帝近距離交談。仰望著上帝，他問道：神啊，一百萬年對于你來說相當于什么呢？”上帝回答：分鐘。”愛因斯坦問：百萬元對于你來說又相當于什么呢？”上帝回答：分錢。”愛因斯坦問：能給我一分錢嗎？”上帝說：清等一分鐘。”I'veJustBittenMyT

19、ongue"Arewepoisonous?"theyoungsnakeaskedhismother."Yes,dear,"shereplied-"Whydoyouask?""CauseI'vejustbittenmytongue!"Notes:(1) poisonousadj.有毒的(2) CauseI'vejustbittenmytongue因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。句中Cause是Because的縮略形式。我剛咬破自己的舌頭我們有毒嗎？”一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。是的，親愛的，”她回答說，你問這個干

20、什么？”因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。”GoodBoyLittleRobertaskedhismotherfortwocents."WhatdidyoudowiththemoneyIgaveyouyesterday?""Igaveittoapooroldwoman,"heanswered."You'reagoodboy,"saidthemotherproudly."Herearetwocentsmore.Butwhyareyousointerestedintheoldwoman?""Sheistheo

21、newhosellsthecandy."好孩子小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。昨天給你的錢干什么了？”我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢？”她是個賣糖果的。”Heisreallysomebody-Myunclehas1000menunderhim.-Heisreallysomebody.Whatdoeshedo?- -Amaintenancemaninacemetery.他真是一個大人物- -我叔叔下面有1000個人。- -他真是一個大人物。干什么的？- -墓地守墓人。A:Justlookatthatyoung

22、personwiththeshorthairandbluejeans.Isitaboyoragirl?B:It'sagirl.She'smydaughter.A:Oh,I'msorry,sir.Ididn'tknowthatyouwereherfather.B:I'mnot.I'mhermother.A: Hey,man!Pleasecallmeataxi.B: Yes,sir.Youareataxi.Ateenagegirlhadbeentalkingonthephoneforabouthalfanhour,andthenshehungup.&

23、quot;Wow!,"saidherfather,"Thatwasshort.Youusuallytalkfortwohours.Whathappened?""Wrongnumber,"repliedthegirl.LittleJohnny:Teacher,canIgotothebathroom?Teacher:LittleJohnny,MAYIgotothebathroom?LittleJohnny:ButIaskedfirst!Customer:Excuseme,butIsawyourthumbinmysoupwhenyouwerecarr

24、yingit.Waitress:Oh,that'sokay.Thesoupisn'thot."Whydoyoutakebathsinmilk?""Ican'tfindacowtallenoughforashower.""Youlookveryfunnywearingthatbelt.""IwouldlookevenfunnierifIdidn'twearit."IwasborninCalifornia.Whichpart?""Allofme."Three

25、micearebeingchasedbyacat.Themicewerecorneredwhenoneofthemiceturnedaroundandbarked,"Ruff!Ruff!Ruff!"Thesurprisedcatranawayscared.Laterwhenthemicetoldtheirmotherwhathappened,shesmiledandsaid,"Yousee,itpaystobebilingual!"Oncetherewerethreeturtles.Onedaytheydecidedtogoonapicnic.Whent

26、heygotthere,theyrealizedtheyhadforgottenthesoda.Theyoungestturtlesaidhewouldgohomeandgetitiftheywouldn'teatthesandwichesuntilhegotback.Aweekwentby,thenamonth,finallyayear,whenthetwoturtlessaid,"oh,comeon,let'seatthesandwiches."Suddenlythelittleturtlepoppedupfrombehindarockandsaid,"Ifyoudo,Iwon'tgo!"Theteachertoastudent:Conjugatetheverb"towalk"insimplepresent.Thestudent:Iwalk.YouwalkTheteacherintrupteshim:Quickerplease.Thestudent:Irun.Yourun.A: Lookatyo