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Chapter31

Myhome,then,whenIatlastfindahome,—isacottage;alittleroomwithwhitewashedwallsandasandedfloor,containingfourpaintedchairsandatable,aclock,acupboard,withtwoorthreeplatesanddishes,andasetoftea-thingsindelf.Above,achamberofthesamedimensionsasthekitchen,withadealbedsteadandchestofdrawers;small,yettoolargetobefilledwithmyscantywardrobe:thoughthekindnessofmygentleandgenerousfriendshasincreasedthat,byamodeststockofsuchthingsasarenecessary.

Itisevening.Ihavedismissed,withthefeeofanorange,thelittleorphanwhoservesmeasahandmaid.Iamsittingaloneonthehearth.Thismorning,thevillageschoolopened.Ihadtwentyscholars.Butthreeofthenumbercanread:nonewriteorcipher.Severalknit,andafewsewalittle.Theyspeakwiththebroadestaccentofthedistrict.Atpresent,theyandIhaveadifficultyinunderstandingeachother’slanguage.Someofthemareunmannered,rough,intractable,aswellasignorant;butothersaredocile,haveawishtolearn,andevinceadispositionthatpleasesme.Imustnotforgetthatthesecoarsely-cladlittlepeasantsareoffleshandbloodasgoodasthescionsofgentlestgenealogy;andthatthegermsofnativeexcellence,refinement,intelligence,kindfeeling,areaslikelytoexistintheirheartsasinthoseofthebest-born.Mydutywillbetodevelopthesegerms:surelyIshallfindsomehappinessindischargingthatoffice.MuchenjoymentIdonotexpectinthelife

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openingbeforeme:yetitwill,doubtless,ifIregulatemymind,andexertmypowersasIought,yieldmeenoughtoliveonfromdaytoday.WasIverygleeful,settled,content,duringthehoursIpassedinyonderbare,humbleschoolroomthismorningandafternoon?Nottodeceivemyself,Imustreply—No:Ifeltdesolatetoadegree.Ifelt—yes,idiotthatIam—Ifeltdegraded.IdoubtedIhadtakenastepwhichsankinsteadofraisingmeinthescaleofsocialexistence.Iwasweaklydismayedattheignorance,thepoverty,thecoarsenessofallIheardandsawroundme.Butletmenothateanddespisemyselftoomuchforthesefeelings;Iknowthemtobewrong—thatisagreatstepgained;Ishallstrivetoovercomethem.To-morrow,Itrust,Ishallgetthebetterofthempartially;andinafewweeks,perhaps,theywillbequitesubdued.Inafewmonths,itispossible,thehappinessofseeingprogress,andachangeforthebetterinmyscholarsmaysubstitutegratificationfordisgust.Meantime,letmeaskmyselfonequestion—Whichisbetter?—Tohavesurrenderedtotemptation;listenedtopassion;madenopainfuleffort—nostruggle;—buttohavesunkdowninthesilkensnare;fallenasleepontheflowerscoveringit;wakenedinasouthernclime,

amongsttheluxuriesofapleasurevilla:tohavebeennowlivinginFrance,Mr.Rochester’smistress;deliriouswithhislovehalfmytime—forhewould—oh,yes,hewouldhavelovedmewellforawhile.HeDIDloveme—noonewilleverlovemesoagain.Ishallnevermoreknowthesweethomagegiventobeauty,youth,

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andgrace—fornevertoanyoneelseshallIseemtopossessthesecharms.Hewasfondandproudofme—itiswhatnomanbesideswilleverbe.—ButwhereamIwandering,andwhatamIsaying,andaboveall,feeling?Whetherisitbetter,Iask,tobeaslaveinafool’sparadiseatMarseilles—feveredwithdelusiveblissonehour—suffocatingwiththebitteresttearsofremorseandshamethenext—ortobeavillage-schoolmistress,freeandhonest,inabreezymountainnookinthehealthyheartofEngland?

Yes;IfeelnowthatIwasrightwhenIadheredtoprincipleandlaw,andscornedandcrushedtheinsanepromptingsofafrenziedmoment.Goddirectedmetoacorrectchoice:IthankHisprovidencefortheguidance!

Havingbroughtmyeventidemusingstothispoint,Irose,wenttomydoor,andlookedatthesunsetoftheharvest-day,andatthequietfieldsbeforemycottage,which,withtheschool,wasdistanthalfamilefromthe

village.Thebirdsweresingingtheirlaststrains-“Theairwasmild,thedewwasbalm.”

WhileIlooked,Ithoughtmyselfhappy,andwassurprisedtofindmyselferelongweeping—andwhy?Forthedoomwhichhadreftmefromadhesiontomymaster:forhimIwasnomoretosee;forthedesperategriefandfatalfury—consequencesofmydeparture—whichmightnow,perhaps,bedragginghimfromthepathofright,toofartoleavehopeofultimaterestorationthither.Atthisthought,Iturnedmyfaceasidefromthelovelyskyofeveandlonelyvaleof

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Morton—IsayLONELY,forinthatbendofitvisibletometherewasnobuildingapparentsavethechurchandtheparsonage,half-hidintrees,and,quiteattheextremity,theroofofValeHall,wheretherichMr.Oliverandhisdaughterlived.Ihidmyeyes,andleantmyheadagainstthestoneframeofmydoor;butsoonaslightnoisenearthewicketwhichshutinmytinygardenfromthemeadowbeyonditmademelookup.Adog—oldCarlo,Mr.Rivers’pointer,asIsawinamoment—waspushingthegatewithhisnose,andSt.Johnhimselfleantuponitwithfoldedarms;hisbrowknit,hisgaze,gravealmosttodispleasure,fixedonme.Iaskedhimtocomein.

“No,Icannotstay;Ihaveonlybroughtyoualittleparcelmysistersleftforyou.Ithinkitcontainsacolour-box,pencils,andpaper.”

Iapproachedtotakeit:awelcomegiftitwas.Heexaminedmyface,Ithought,withausterity,asIcamenear:thetracesoftearsweredoubtlessveryvisibleuponit.

“Haveyoufoundyourfirstday’sworkharderthanyouexpected?”heasked.

“Oh,no!Onthecontrary,IthinkintimeIshallgetonwithmyscholarsverywell.”

“Butperhapsyouraccommodations—yourcottage—yourfurniture—havedisappointedyourexpectations?Theyare,intruth,scantyenough;but—“Iinterrupted

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“Mycottageiscleanandweather-proof;myfurnituresufficientandcommodious.AllIseehasmademethankful,notdespondent.Iamnotabsolutelysuchafoolandsensualistastoregrettheabsenceofacarpet,asofa,andsilverplate;besides,fiveweeksagoIhadnothing—Iwasanoutcast,abeggar,avagrant;nowIhaveacquaintance,ahome,abusiness.IwonderatthegoodnessofGod;thegenerosityofmyfriends;thebountyofmylot.Idonotrepine.”

“Butyoufeelsolitudeanoppression?Thelittlehousetherebehindyouisdarkandempty.”

“Ihavehardlyhadtimeyettoenjoyasenseoftranquillity,muchlesstogrowimpatientunderoneofloneliness.”

“Verywell;Ihopeyoufeelthecontentyouexpress:atanyrate,yourgoodsensewilltellyouthatitistoosoonyettoyieldtothevacillatingfearsofLot’swife.WhatyouhadleftbeforeIsawyou,ofcourseIdonotknow;butIcounselyoutoresistfirmlyeverytemptationwhichwouldinclineyoutolookback:pursueyourpresentcareersteadily,forsomemonthsatleast.”

“ItiswhatImeantodo,”Ianswered.St.Johncontinued-

“Itishardworktocontroltheworkingsofinclinationandturnthebentofnature;butthatitmaybedone,Iknowfromexperience.Godhasgivenus,inameasure,thepowertomakeourownfate;andwhenourenergies

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seemtodemandasustenancetheycannotget—whenourwillstrainsafterapathwemaynotfollow—weneedneitherstarvefrominanition,norstandstillindespair:wehavebuttoseekanothernourishmentforthemind,asstrongastheforbiddenfooditlongedtotaste—andperhapspurer;andtohewoutfortheadventurousfootaroadasdirectandbroadastheoneFortunehasblockedupagainstus,ifrougherthanit.

“AyearagoIwasmyselfintenselymiserable,becauseIthoughtIhadmadeamistakeinenteringtheministry:itsuniformdutiesweariedmetodeath.Iburntforthemoreactivelifeoftheworld—forthemoreexcitingtoilsofaliterarycareer—forthedestinyofanartist,author,orator;anythingratherthanthatofapriest:yes,theheartofapolitician,ofasoldier,ofavotaryofglory,aloverofrenown,alusterafterpower,beatundermycurate’ssurplice.Iconsidered;mylifewassowretched,itmustbechanged,orImustdie.Afteraseasonofdarknessandstruggling,lightbrokeandrelieffell:mycrampedexistenceallatoncespreadouttoaplainwithoutbounds—mypowersheardacallfromheaventorise,gathertheirfullstrength,spreadtheirwings,andmountbeyondken.Godhadanerrandforme;tobearwhichafar,todeliveritwell,skillandstrength,courageandeloquence,thebestqualificationsofsoldier,statesman,andorator,wereallneeded:fortheseallcentreinthegoodmissionary.

“AmissionaryIresolvedtobe.Fromthatmomentmystateofmindchanged;thefettersdissolvedanddroppedfromeveryfaculty,leavingnothingof

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bondagebutitsgallingsoreness—whichtimeonlycanheal.Myfather,indeed,imposedthedetermination,butsincehisdeath,Ihavenotalegitimateobstacletocontendwith;someaffairssettled,asuccessorforMortonprovided,anentanglementortwoofthefeelingsbrokenthroughorcutasunder—alastconflictwithhumanweakness,inwhichIknowIshallovercome,becauseIhavevowedthatIWILLovercome—andIleaveEuropefortheEast.”

Hesaidthis,inhispeculiar,subdued,yetemphaticvoice;looking,whenhehadceasedspeaking,notatme,butatthesettingsun,atwhichIlookedtoo.BothheandIhadourbackstowardsthepathleadingupthefieldtothewicket.Wehadheardnosteponthatgrass-growntrack;thewaterrunninginthevalewastheonelullingsoundofthehourandscene;wemightwellthenstartwhenagayvoice,sweetasasilverbell,exclaimed-

“Goodevening,Mr.Rivers.Andgoodevening,oldCarlo.Yourdogisquickertorecognisehisfriendsthanyouare,sir;heprickedhisearsandwaggedhistailwhenIwasatthebottomofthefield,andyouhaveyourbacktowardsmenow.”

Itwastrue.ThoughMr.Rivershadstartedatthefirstofthosemusicalaccents,asifathunderbolthadsplitacloudoverhishead,hestoodyet,atthecloseofthesentence,inthesameattitudeinwhichthespeakerhadsurprisedhim—hisarmrestingonthegate,hisfacedirectedtowardsthewest.Heturnedatlast,with

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measureddeliberation.Avision,asitseemedtome,hadrisenathisside.Thereappeared,withinthreefeetofhim,aformcladinpurewhite—ayouthful,gracefulform:full,yetfineincontour;andwhen,afterbendingtocaressCarlo,itliftedupitshead,andthrewbackalongveil,therebloomedunderhisglanceafaceofperfectbeauty.Perfectbeautyisastrongexpression;butIdonotretraceorqualifyit:assweetfeaturesaseverthetemperateclimeofAlbionmoulded;aspurehuesofroseandlilyaseverherhumidgalesandvapouryskiesgeneratedandscreened,justified,inthisinstance,theterm.Nocharmwaswanting,nodefectwasperceptible;theyounggirlhadregularanddelicatelineaments;eyesshapedandcolouredasweseetheminlovelypictures,large,anddark,andfull;thelongandshadowyeyelashwhichencirclesafineeyewithsosoftafascination;thepencilledbrowwhichgivessuchclearness;thewhitesmoothforehead,whichaddssuchreposetothelivelierbeautiesoftintandray;thecheekoval,fresh,andsmooth;thelips,freshtoo,ruddy,healthy,sweetlyformed;theevenandgleamingteethwithoutflaw;thesmalldimpledchin;theornamentofrich,plenteoustresses—alladvantages,inshort,which,combined,realisetheidealofbeauty,werefullyhers.Iwondered,asIlookedatthisfaircreature:Iadmiredherwithmywholeheart.Naturehadsurelyformedherinapartialmood;and,forgettingherusualstintedstep-motherdoleofgifts,hadendowedthis,herdarling,withagrand-dame’sbounty.

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WhatdidSt.JohnRiversthinkofthisearthlyangel?InaturallyaskedmyselfthatquestionasIsawhimturntoherandlookather;and,asnaturally,Isoughttheanswertotheinquiryinhiscountenance.HehadalreadywithdrawnhiseyefromthePeri,andwaslookingatahumbletuftofdaisieswhichgrewbythewicket.

“Alovelyevening,butlateforyoutobeoutalone,”hesaid,ashecrushedthesnowyheadsoftheclosedflowerswithhisfoot.

“Oh,IonlycamehomefromS-”(shementionedthenameofalargetownsometwentymilesdistant)“thisafternoon.Papatoldmeyouhadopenedyourschool,andthatthenewmistresswascome;andsoIputonmybonnetaftertea,andranupthevalleytoseeher:

thisisshe?”pointingtome.

“Itis,”saidSt.John.

“DoyouthinkyoushalllikeMorton?”sheaskedofme,withadirectandnaivesimplicityoftoneandmanner,pleasing,ifchild-like.

“IhopeIshall.Ihavemanyinducementstodoso.”

“Didyoufindyourscholarsasattentiveasyouexpected?”

“Quite.”

“Doyoulikeyourhouse?”

“Verymuch.”

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“HaveIfurnisheditnicely?”

“Verynicely,indeed.”

“AndmadeagoodchoiceofanattendantforyouinAliceWood?”

“Youhaveindeed.Sheisteachableandhandy.”(Thisthen,Ithought,isMissOliver,theheiress;favoured,itseems,inthegiftsoffortune,aswellasinthoseofnature!Whathappycombinationoftheplanetspresidedoverherbirth,Iwonder?)

“Ishallcomeupandhelpyoutoteachsometimes,”sheadded.“Itwillbeachangeformetovisityounowandthen;andIlikeachange.Mr.Rivers,IhavebeenSOgayduringmystayatS-.Lastnight,orratherthismorning,Iwasdancingtilltwoo’clock.The-thregimentarestationedtheresincetheriots;andtheofficersarethemostagreeablemenintheworld:theyputallouryoungknife-grindersandscissormerchantstoshame.”

ItseemedtomethatMr.St.John’sunderlipprotruded,andhisupperlipcurledamoment.Hismouthcertainlylookedagooddealcompressed,andthelowerpartofhisfaceunusuallysternandsquare,asthelaughinggirlgavehimthisinformation.Heliftedhisgaze,too,fromthedaisies,andturneditonher.Anunsmiling,asearching,ameaninggazeitwas.Sheanswereditwithasecondlaugh,andlaughterwellbecameheryouth,herroses,herdimples,herbrighteyes.

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Ashestood,muteandgrave,sheagainfelltocaressingCarlo.“PoorCarlolovesme,”saidshe.“HEisnotsternanddistanttohisfriends;andifhecouldspeak,hewouldnotbesilent.”

Asshepattedthedog’shead,bendingwithnativegracebeforehisyoungandausteremaster,Isawaglowrisetothatmaster’sface.Isawhissolemneyemeltwithsuddenfire,andflickerwithresistlessemotion.Flushedandkindledthus,helookednearlyasbeautifulforamanassheforawoman.Hischestheavedonce,asifhislargeheart,wearyofdespoticconstriction,hadexpanded,despitethewill,andmadeavigorousboundfortheattainmentofliberty.Buthecurbedit,Ithink,asaresoluteriderwouldcurbarearingsteed.Herespondedneitherbywordnormovementtothegentleadvancesmadehim.

“Papasaysyounevercometoseeusnow,”continuedMissOliver,lookingup.“Youarequiteast